How To Pull Girls. Well, kinda…

Now this of course, I am an expert in.
I am so good at this.
I pull women all the time.

Growing up in a small village where there were only two other lesbians and one looked like a camel really taught me everything I needed to know. And of course now you know that the first three sentences were complete lies.

The sad fact is that for me, pulling a girl involves drinking a vast amount of tequila, staring at the girl I’ve probably fancied for well over three months and then using my much more attractive best friend as bait. Before attempting to talk to her, making a joke about furniture polish, offering her a fancy drink and then watching her walk away.

And then repeat.
But this got a bit tiresome and frankly didn’t work.

It doesn’t help anyone to go home alone sobbing into a pizza-burger-chip-sandwich because you’re a failure and you feel you’re never going to have sex again.

So I decided to research in to how to flirt.
So this is my well thought out how-to-pull-a-girl-by-flirting-amazingly-and-being-very-sexy guide:

1. The look.

In my in-depth research of reading magazines while watching reruns of that episode of Lip Service I found that there’s  a certain look to attract a girl.

Moist red lips seems to be the main event
This troubles me as 1, the word ‘moist’ makes me want to throw up my internal organs and 2, a red head with freckles cannot pull off red lipstick.

It makes me look like I belong in some sort of home.
But if you don’t have the reasons above then go for a darker red as it’s the colour of passion and makes people instantly think of glamour and promiscuity. Or hookers. So it’s all good

If you’re on a budget then lick a red M&M and rub that over them.
Your lips I mean now not the girls.
Same job and it tastes nicer.

2. Don’t show everything.

Now we all know the legs OR cleavage rule. Well some of us do.
But now there are all sorts of other things to add to that list.

Stomach, hips, elbows, eyelids.
You want people to guess what’s underneath not be able to see it all.
There’s no fun in that because it’s all in the element of surprise. So if you put on a I-can’t-breathe-I-may-have-to-pass-out-soon dress that shows most, if not all of your thighs, chuck a jacket or your Spiderman-Snuggie over the top of it to keep your dignity.

3. New clothes.

The embarrassment of that girl you like pointing out that your top still has the label on it is enough to make you want to climb into your fridge and never get out.
And even if you haven’t been as stupid as that wearing a brand new outfit never adds to your confidence.
Because you’re not used to it you’ll probably end up stroking it, pulling it, touching it instead of concentrating on pulling, touching and stroking her.

4. Smell is important.

Good God it just gets weirder.
According to the shallow stuff in which I read hidden in library books you should aim to smell like Lavender or Vanilla.
I shit you not.
If a girl stood next to me smelling of sleeping tablets or ice-cream I probably wouldn’t be that turned on, to be fair.
But if you do feel this is a good advice and fancy rubbing some candles over yourself so you can get lucky go for it.

5. A talking point.

If you wear a slogan top with something really funny written on it then it’s an easy icebreaker.
If you’re wearing a top that says ‘Why do HedgeHogs not just get their own hedge?’ then she might come over and laugh, and then say she loves hedgehogs and then you can agree and then you can get married and have a family of hedgehogs living on your lawn. That kind of thing.

What I wouldn’t go for is something that’s really stupid.
For example If you’re wearing a shirt that says ‘Stop staring at my chest’, with a picture of a chest on it, it’s probably safe to say that no girl’s were staring at it in the first place.

6. Football top.

Or any team top.
If you’re in to sporty girls this can make you irresistible as if you’re wearing her team’s shirt she may just mount you there and then. If it’s not her team you may find yourself in an argument defending a team you know absolutely nothing about.

7. Don’t dress like someone you’re not.

Sounds obvious but I , the girl who would wear a dress to a football match once went out wearing chinos, converse and wait for it… braces.

Because I thought it would make me pull.
It didn’t.
And one of the braces snapped off and nearly broke my chin.

If you don’t dress like yourself it really shows.
And if you’re not used to them, you cannot pull of the swagger that you need to wear low rise chinos.
You will look like a constipated owl.

8. Walk of shame.

Or the stride of pride if you want, needs to be taken into consideration.
You need to wear something you’ll be comfortable wearing the next day if this is your plan.
Standing in the tube station (London) or marching across a field (Wales) wearing the Smurf outfit you had on last night with the remains of the blue paint down your knees just isn’t hot.

So yeah, that’s the look bit just taken care of right there.
So I’m sure I’ve helped a lot with this…

Effi Mai writes at FemmeFace, she wears stripy and spotty dresses a lot of the time, loves tequila, unicorns and dancing with glitter. When she’s not busy writing, she’s one half of event organising duo MissFit.