How to pull.

 

How to pull.

As always my quest to pull a girl continues so this is part four of the failing collection This is how to pull using chat up lines. Well these are the ones that you need to avoid. Some chat up lines can be nice, make you feel at ease and can give you something to laugh about later in bed naked. And then there are some that are so cringey it makes your vagina want to scream out in protest.

 

Chat up lines

 

 

Come Here often?

This phrase I always imagine being said by a Russian night club owner in a bad porn film. I would recommend using  ‘Have you been here before?’ instead. This question has more of an escape route. If she looks at you like you’ve just baked a slug and eaten it then just follow with ‘So you’ll know where the toilets are then?’ It’s a glorious escape route and you can move onto better things. Just don’t attempt this if you’re standing in the toilet queue.

 

 

 

I love your shoes!

This only works if you say with the same enthusiasm as if you’ve just bumped into Heather Peace or received a puppy in the post. You have to act like their shoes/purse/hat/leg warmer is the best thing in the world and convey it in one sentence. There’s no point doing a whole half arsed attempt as they won’t notice you and since we’re in Britain they’ll just think you’re being sarcastic.

 

 

Are you an angel or am I in heaven?

Now you think this one makes you want to throw up your internal organs but there is a chance it could work. If you’re in London and in the gay club Heaven then you have a shot! Although as most of the people are in Heaven, she may be too drunk on vodka red bulls to know where she actually is.

 

 

Do you want to go and do what I’m going to tell my friends we did anyway?

This one is brilliant. It will probably make her laugh and you might get a quick come witty comeback if you’re lucky. Unless all your friends are right behind you that is because that’s just creepy.

 

Can I get you a drink?

This one’s just difficult because of timing. You have to wait until she’s almost finished hers and before she buys herself another. ‘What would you recommend drinking here?’ is a much less forward approach. You’re not actually offering her a drink, you’re just asking for her opinion. As one does in a drinking establishment when one doesn’t know whether the vodka will taste like hamster piss or not. If she suggests something then you’ll have something to talk about and you can chat amongst yourselves about the amazingness that is tequila and how much better it tastes when you mix it with skittles or are licking it off someone’s body.

 

So what do you do for fun?

This is like asking someone what music or films they like, they’ll struggle for a while and then blurt out the first thing to comes to mind. And it will usually say Coyote Ugly, both the film and the soundtrack. Or they’ll just say ‘everything’ and that wham bam conversation over. Asking them if they like a specific thing is much better planning. If you ask them if they like archery, caravan spotting or potato picking and they do in fact like it then you have something to talk about.

Of course if you ask a desperate girl clutching onto her eighteenth WKD what she does for fun she will turn and say ‘you,’ so it depends what you’re looking for really.

 

So what’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?

This is so creepy it makes Michael Jackson’s gloves look like something I would give small children to play with.

For one, you’re already insinuating that she drinks in a hole and that everyone around her including her friends look like trolls. Secondly, the ‘pretty girl,’ bit makes her sound like a prostitute with feelings, and thirdly it will make her get away from you faster than if she was to see a clown covered in a blood. With One Direction standing behind it.

 

 

You could be a model!

Yes, of course she could, so could everyone. I’m particularly proud of my wrists but you don’t see me modelling bracelets in a posh catalogue. Yes it’s a compliment but it lacks any sort of imagination. You need to be really committed to the whole complimenting thing. Your eyes look like a meadow at sunset with fairies dashing across it sprinkling magic dust or you smell like a lemon tree dipped in sugar and mixed with the pages of a new magazine works well. The key is to be subtle.

 

 

You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet

I think my favourite of all time but definitely give this one a try. Do it with an action too that will make the whole situation even better.

 

 

If all else fails bring out a punnet of grapes, put one in her face and say ‘Grape to meet you.’ Or if you just want things done then tell her she’s like your big toe and that you’d like to bang her on every piece of furniture you own.

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