The Best Thing I Ever Did Was Stop Stalking My Ex…
So we broke up…
…it was not amicable, there was a lot of crying (mainly me) and bad things were said and done on both parts.
Then there was nothing.
A complete radio silence.
My life which was filled with one person for years was now empty, a big space left vacant by her which I desperately tried to fill, sometimes with drink, sometimes with drugs, but never really with anything positive.
None of that seemed to work, surprisingly(!), but then I found a new methadone for her and that was, her online presence.
She lived far, far away from me so there was no way I would ever bump into her in the streets where I lived.
My friends would tell me that this was a blessing, not having to see the ghosts of our relationship at every corner but instead I saw it as a curse as I desperately wanted to pull her back into my life.
She now had a boyfriend, a new job and even a new hair colour.
She was a person I no longer recognised, with a new life which I was desperately curious about.
The normal online ties were broken soon after the break up, I couldn’t bear to have her as a Facebook ‘friend’ and she didn’t want me as one.
Aimlessly grasping at straws, I started by Googling her name, new snippets of life information would list before me in the search results.
A profile on her new work website gave me an illicit insight into her new job which sounded dull but adrenaline rushed through me as I found this brand new information.
I’d often look at this biography which never changed and it would somehow soothe me.
Soon this short professional biography wasn’t enough, and like a drug addict, my tolerance grew, I needed more.
I’ll give it to her, she was clever with her Facebook settings, not much was gained there, but I would still type her name into the search box revealing a tantalising, small thumbnail which would change from time to time, him and her, her and him, her and her.
The obsession spread over Linkedin…
“Wow she has a promotion…”
… I muttered bitterly to myself, whilst I tried to piece together the dregs of freelance work to make ends meet as London cracked her cruel whip against my back.
It was when I found the Twitter that it got really bad.
A live stream of day to day goings on from her life.
“Jackpot!”
I thought to myself, now deeply embroiled in a strange warped world of what is considered normal behaviour.
I was completely addicted to looking at this stuff, it became embedded in my normal daily schedule, as naturally as I was checking my own e-mails, my own Facebook, I was checking hers.
I kept it as a secret indulgence, I never shared anything I found with my friends and would quickly snap my laptop shut if they walked past.
I think when you’re hiding things from your nearest and dearest, that’s when you know it’s wrong but I was lying to myself.
I remember thinking to myself,
“…this is fine because I’m over it and that’s why I’m able to look at this stuff”
but that was about as far from the truth as is possible.
I would often look when I was drunk, wake up with a hangover, bleary eyed and see the session of stalking I’d had the night before still all open on my desktop.
I would dig and dig until I found something that would particularly hurt me and it was quickly becoming a new-age version of self-harm, because that’s what happens when you go looking for things where you shouldn’t you’ll often find things which you don’t want to know.
I started to feel sick about what I was doing, it had gotten totally out of hand but I had almost resigned myself to a life of doing this, how would I ever break the cycle?
I tried half heartedly a few times to stop but would always resort back to it after lonely nights out that would end in tears.
Then one day it snapped, I was wondering why I wasn’t moving on and suddenly it became clear that this was the cause.
I resolved to never look at anything again.
It was a hard decision to make but I knew it was what I wanted.
It felt like letting go of a comfort blanket and truly saying goodbye to the relationship which was incredibly hard.
I set the first target of making it through an hour without looking, then two hours, then a day, slowly getting through one day at a time (a cliché I know, but true).
It got harder and harder as I knew more and more Tweets would be building up in my absence.
The weight upon me, tempting me to look increased, but then as time went by, it started to decrease again.
It dropped out of my daily rituals, the grip was finally loosening on me and the compulsion was no longer there.
I began to feel happier again and stopped comparing my life with hers which is pointless anyway as we are so different, hence why we broke up, and it felt good.
I still get tempted to look sometimes but I just try to remember how bad it was and how happy I am now and it spurs me on not to.
Editor’s Note: The author of this post has requested to remain anonymous.
Posted by
Christina
I did this once … looked up a woman I’d been in love with fifteen years beforehand. She’d gone out with me because the love of her life (a married woman) had split up with her. She rebounded on me twice.
Fifteen years later, on this woman’s birthday, I decided to see whether she had a Twitter account. She did! … I was thinking I might just wish her happy birthday for old time’s sake. … She was tweeting that she still hadn’t got over the married woman from fifteen years ago.
Hmmm. Well, that was annoying. And yes, it served me right.
I read this immediately after finishing yet another unsatisfactory twitter stalk of the mad ex (even the tweets that were clearly for my benefit have dried up now). I am furious that she still takes up some of my thoughts after almost a year so I think it is time to go cold turkey…thanks.
Its more than normal to want to know something about an ex you were with for a long time, i mean you spend so much time with someone, it would be ab normal to be able to just stop thinking of them after all that time. Im odd tho, i stay in touch with all my exs, I will always have a special place in my heart for them, and luckily we can keep close friendships, i alaways tell my new partners I am friends with ex’s etc, as I have nothing to hide, but my main advice is give yourself time to heal, if your not over them, then yes keeping clear is the best thing, you need time to heal, and everyone takes their own time. don;t feel alone there are always people who can listen and understand, stay strong, one day you will be able to look at your ex’s life and be happy for them. 🙂
How great it was for me reading this, I was looking for something that could fill this whole my ex girlfriend left aftert 3 years living together she wouldn’t answer the phone nor my texts. Actually when I start reading this experience I had open her facebook, I just closed it, however I will need to remind myself how much harm this is causing me and how much I will win if I stop stalking her.
Thank you very much for sharing you experience!
I was doing the same thing you did for a while. I search how to stop stalking your ex and found this post. It good to have someone to related to, now I am slowing recovering. Thank you
Thank you for sharing this article. I was in heart screaming for a help because I cannot stop stalking my ex and his new girl. I dumped him because of her, but I am the one that are not ready to let go. It is nice to know that there are many peoples in the same circumtance. I will stop!
I’m in the exact same position. It hurts to let go but hurts more to cling on to someone who changed for another girl. I keep stalking his Instagram to find their lovey dovey comments but oh well I’ve stopped now. Turns my stomach to see how our lives are the same but mine is lonely now and I’ve just been replaced in his. Let the healing begin..
Wow! I relate to this 100%. I’ve been staling my ex for almost a year now and it’s been an awful experience … but I’m addicted!!! Craziness!
Well I did quit 6 days ago (new year’s resolution). Hopefully I can keep it up!!!
Thank you for posting this. I’m going through the exact same emotions know and it honestly feels like an addiction. Except in my situation I’m the one that keeps positing new tweets. I check his page every minute, hopeing to see that he’s made a new tweet or that hes added a new favourite but he rarely does. I can’t stop from tweeting, just hoping that he may see it and read it. I need to stop. I’m glade to know that it is possable. I’m going to try the 1 hr then 2 hr so on and so forth just like you. wish me luck! Do you have any tips?
Thank you buddy! Believe me, I was in a 2 and half year relationship..living together…Then she left..This online stalking thing works exactly like a drug..it gets you hooked on to something..something you should stay far far away, since…your life is a lot more better than you can imagine with endless possibilities…you could even be a billionaire..if you just stopped stalking someone that dumped you!! And that’s what I did..and it works MAGIC! 😉
I have been doing this for over a year now, trawling socially networking sites, torturing myself. Earlier this year a tweet appeared with a new photo. It was just him with a couple of colleagues, but it jarred me to see him, living his life. I couldnt sleep or stop crying for two weeks after tjat. And still, months later I persist. A few weeks ago I started hypnotherapy to get me over this person, or the ‘idea’ of this person. Its truly horrible, a sickness. I feel embarrassed and ashamed.
Man, I totally relate to this blog entry. My ex and I broke up over a year and a half ago. I’ve obsessively stalked her online person ever since and I have not be able to move on, forget and live my life properly.
My ex is a narcissist so there is always an abundance of new information for me to stare at, interpret, analyze, judge, criticize and the like. Having constant and rich sources of personal information about my ex keep me addicted to the fantasy that she is still a part of my life. Needless to say, it messes with my emotions and the healing process. It also affects the decisions, even the important ones, that I make in my life. It’s holding me back.
Her and I never communicate but this week I sent her a birthday email wishing her all the best.
It was short and sweet and I wasn’t expecting much in return except for a hello and thank you.
Well, I never received a response from her. Not even a thank you.
It’s not a surprise coming from her. She never treated me right.
I was disappointed and hurt. Again.
It always felt like I was in a one-way relationship with my ex. Everything was always about her. There was very little room for me in the relationship.
Being ignored again this week made me realize that I was, by stalking her social media profiles, still in a one-way relationship with my ex. In fact, this time I was in a one-way, virtual relationship with her digital image and Internet personality. – Ugh!
I don’t think I need to explain why this is not good nor healthy…
Having said that, I have finally accepted the idea that following my ex’s life online isn’t doing me any good and that I must let go.
It’s hard to accept and do but I have to.
The reality is that she isn’t in my life anymore and I’m not in hers. Stalking her virtually isn’t going to change that.
I didn’t like being in a one-way relationship when we were together and I like it even less as a virtual one!
I also understand that knowing about everything she posts online is not going to bring her back. It will not bring her closer to me.
I will not figure anything out. It will not teach me how to better deal with her if we were to get back together (We are never getting back together. I get it now!). It will not answer my questions about the dead relationship nor bring any closure to it.
So, in the end, stalking my ex online for the past year and a half has, for the most part, been a waste of time and energy. I’m getting nothing out of a virtual, one-way relationship and it’s ruining my life. It does not help me with my daily life and I’m not a better person for it.
I deserve better. I deserve to be in a real, mutually beneficial and healthy relationship. I must now refocus on real people and real relationships. I need to spend my time and energy on people who actually want me in their real lives.
Enough of stalking her. Fini.
Thanks so much for this post and also everyone for their comments. It feels a lot better to not be so alone in this inexplicable behavior. It’s so strange, the harm is so obvious and immediate, and yet the urge to looks is too strong to resist.
I just got finished stalking a young man I saw for a little while and I broke it off, because I knew I would eventually get emotionally hurt in this relationship, I’ve stalked him on Facebook and last night I found out he had an Instagram account at first I saw all his post and pictures, now this morning I have been blocked it hurt me but I know I deserve that for being nosey, when will I learn
I was in the same boat… It has became a routine, first thing I did in the morning, last thing I did before going to bed. I often took break from hour (every 30 min) to check if he update his Facebook or twitter.
I quit cold turkey on Monday, today is Friday. Really hard at the moment, but overall, I already feel a bit better…
Thank you for your article. And for the comments. I thought I was alone.
actually i can relate to this, after i broke up with my girlfriend i kept stalking her on facebook and twitter for over three months then one day it hit me i realized what i was doing is pointless and wont benefits me it’s only gonna get hurt and west my time thinking of sth that probably will never happen so i help myself to stop doing this for days than it’s all comes naturally the urge of waking up every day and check her timeline suddenly fade and whenever i get the feeling to look at her timeline i just remember how bad she was and how bad our relation was and it’s not gonna work and it’s only gonna hurt and how happy i’m after all this.
my ex gf was overlapping , months before we broke up, she broke up on the day of my birthday,since i reacted that she forgot, she said she need a break, and i dint know wht to do, and deactivated my fb account on impulse, next day i said i was sorry i reacted, and re activated my account, to only see her pasting her happy pics with her new bf,it broke me into so much.
Now for one month i haven’t contacted her, got of fb, but google her name to only see her profile pic happy with her bf,
But it hurts me more,
Goona work on not trying to check on my ex, hour by hour,
wow i would really love to thank the author of this article! it makes me feel great that i am not the only one who’s going through this! i can relate EXACTLY 100% to every single part of this story (except the drinking part lol) but this story gives me hope and I’m now starting to stop the stalking on my ex and whenever i get tempted to look at his tweets i just think of this article and remind myself how happy she feels now after stopping and it helps incredibly.
I am not one to post on these blogs whatsoever, but reading this and some of your comments is the first time I’ve found the strength to NOT look up my ex’s twitter. It is EXACTLY what I’ve been going through. And for the first time in a while, I feel like I have my life back, BECAUSE i stopped looking at her social media. (twitter mostly). We all know its hard, but we also ALL KNOW its for the BEST. soo, keep up the good work. : )
I’m currently doing the same thing. I just found out my ex (I ended it) is seeing someone who appears to be absolutely perfect for her, far more so than I ever was. And it hurts!! I’ve already degraded myself by ringing her recently, just to see how she was. I was being friendly, told her how much I missed just talking with her, but she was nasty in response. She then texted to say she considered my contact a form of harassment . I need to follow your excellent strategy and stop researching her online. It’s serving no purpose. It’s actually painful. Plus, I’m extremely unlikely to randomly bump into her as she lives quite a distance away. I’m stopping right now. Thanks..