Exit Strategies

exit-strategies_post-image

Your exits are located here, here and here…
But if you use them, she will call you a douchebag and all of her friends will unfollow you on Twitter.

Thus is the unwritten rule of, “What happens when you dump your girlfriend.”

Dump is a hideous word.
It implies, not that you have gently ended your relationship; rather that you have rolled her out of a moving vehicle.

Whether it was for the best, or because you really are a selfish wanker, you’ll undoubtedly get the blame for everything that went wrong (even if it’s just for a little while).

All because you put on your big girl pants and told her that you were leaving, with or without the cat.

I think what a lot of dumped people forget is that you (as the dumper), will feel sad about the situation. Unless your girlfriend was actually a bit of a horror… or you’re a Vulcan.

Whether you’ve been going out for ten years or ten days, you know that you are going to say some words that will upset a person you have once cared about. As my very northern Aunt once put it, you are “changing someone’s destiny.”
Which I think is awfully poetic, especially when you think of it coming out in a broad Geordie accent.

So the long and short of it is, you are going to ruffle feathers, and you will, invariably, be the Disney Villain in all of this.

There are, however, some ways to soften the blow:

Don’t be irritating and hateful for a month in the hope that she’ll dump you.

People legitimately do this.
This is because they have misplaced their balls and are waiting for the other one to tire of their petulant and distant behaviour.

This is lazy, uncool and a logistical pain in the arse.

What’s more, it means you have to remain in a situation that you have already decided you don’t want to be in.

You have to physically be in a relationship, when mentally, you’ve all but moved out into a studio flat around the corner.

Don’t dump her in public.

Girls are nothing if not passionate.
Not a Tuesday night goes by without some drama queen stomping out of Ku Bar, leaving a confused, newly single lesbian sobbing at the bottom of the stairs.

Why you think a sweaty dancefloor is an appropriate place to have a life chat, I will never know.
The only time it is acceptable to chuck someone in a club is if you return from the toilet and find your girlfriend attached to someone else’s face…

Unless she’s giving someone CPR, in which case, she will need to receive a pat on the back, not her relationship P45.

Make sure that she has friends nearby.

Whether those friends are human, feline or called Ben and Jerry, you’d sooner see your ex crying in comfort rather than all alone with only the Adele album for comfort, right?

The cat friends might not care, and the human friends might not be your biggest fans, but making sure they’re aware of the situation after you leave means that you can look/be* all caring about your ex’s welfare.

Unless she truly is a total witch, in which case you should just leave empty ice cream tubs in the freezer and break the “stop” button on her CD player. There’s only so much, “Someone like you,” one woman can take before she is driven clinically insane, or so I’ve heard.

*Dumper’s discretion

Have a bolt-hole and divide the assets.

If you’ve done that “mature” thing, and own stuff jointly, it’s probably sensible to discuss custody of the cats and the coffee table after a break-up, not right away, as that IKEA lamp will be hurtling towards your head before you have time to say, “Who gets the sofa?”

Take a few things, and give her some space for a couple of days.
Although it’s probably best to keep an eye on the finances if you share an account, because: what’s worse than a joint account and a girlfriend with a shoe habit?

A joint account and an ex with a shoe habit.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep

No matter how much you wish it could still work, no matter how much you’ll miss her, don’t let an emotional and damaged heart reach up and wrap its naughty little tentacles around your brain.

Don’t tell her you’ll try again soon.
Don’t promise her that you’ll revisit the situation in time.

Even if you’re 99.99% sure that you will backslide; don’t do any promising of things because 60% of the time, you’ll disappoint her every time.

Unless you’re a bit of a masochist, breakups aren’t very pleasant, but can ultimately lead to better things in time.

There are many possible outcomes to a breakup, both bad and good; you might lose custody of a few mutual friends, you may not be allowed to go to Soho anymore because it’s “her thing” or because you’re a stereotypical lesbian or a bisexual lady, your ex will end up being maid of honour at your wedding to someone else.

What fun.

She can walk in heels, but can still put up a mean shelf. London lesbian at large Ami writes about London, lesbians and being perpetually disillusioned. She also co-edits Reprobait Magazine, which is pretty good, even if she says so herself.

Tags:

Comments

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. Some excellent observations here. So true. Two more ways to avoid ending your relationship:

    1) Don’t do it when she’s drunk.
    2) Don’t date only in straight pubs, then spend the evening you plan to dump her in TWO gay pubs, which she will then never want to enter again.

Upcomming Events