10 Reasons Why You’re Still Single

Your idea of a hot night involves picking the spicy seasoning at Nandos…

You’re done with work and you smell like the underground.
The idea of slapping on heels and looking alluring at a bar seems ludicrous and you haven’t really spent enough quality time with the cat this week.

Congratulations, you are officially comfortable with your own company…so much so that everyone else seems like effort.

Yes, it’s the easy option to just wander to the nearest take-away in your onesie, but unless hot single lesbians are on the menu, you aren’t going to win the dating game.

Didn’t grown-ups always say that nothing is delivered to you on a plate?
Well, apart from food, which generally is, they are annoyingly right.

Girls genuinely don’t believe you’re a lesbian…

I don’t know about you, but I’ve met a few lesbians who didn’t fully believe that I was playing for their team.

I’m not really sure what one can do to prove this, short of licking girls in public, or getting a swift undercut. Whatever your stereotype of choice is, some lesbians just aren’t small enough to squash into pigeonholes.

This is why I think we should all just fill in a joining form, send it off to the Gay Mafia and get badges.
Or join GaydarGirls – duh.

You’re still pining after your ex…

Don’t get me wrong, this is an easy situation to end up in, but nothing kills the lady-lure like lusting after girlfriends past.

Because we’re all so “blessed” with female intuition, we know that when your mouth says you’re over her, your eyes scream “LIAR”.

So here’s a gentle reminder to change your screensaver from you Eskimo-kissing your ex.
If I’m on a date; I don’t want to know your ex’s shoe size, penchant for cauliflower and to watch you tear up when Emeli Sande comes on the radio.

You’re Regina George…

It isn’t beyond the realms of possibility that you might just be attacking the dating game a bit wrong.

There’s a fine line between talking about yourself and indeed, raving about yourself.
Maybe you are genuinely fantastic, but sometimes girls like to find that out for themselves without you producing a laminated copy of your achievements to them on the first date.

I’m the first one to applaud success, but also the first one to throw up when it’s rammed down my throat.

You took her to IKEA on the third date…

Things are going so well, let’s just cut our losses and move in, right?
RIGHT?

Enthusiasm is one thing, but I’m sure she’d rather you were eating a Daim cheesecake off her naked body rather than sharing one whilst bickering over duvet tog ratings.

I understand the temptation to move in your toothbrush after staying over every night for a week, but try to ensure that you still keep a separate postal address, even if it’s just for a month.

Or until her ex moves out.

You only fancy straight girls…

It’s an affliction; and a pain that many of us have known from a young age. (Hel-lo, high-school crush), but despite the heartbreak associated with it, and the limited success rate, some of us still love to love ladies who love lads.

If I knew the solution to this, I would bottle it, sell it, become a millionaire and buy Mila Kunis; but until then, I just have to keep watching Black Swan over and over.

You’re still wearing Birkenstocks or worse, Crocs…

Sometimes with socks.
Stop it.

You’re a pillow princess…

So you’re a lady in the street and a bore in the bed.
Whether it is due to nerves, denial or just downright laziness, some girls are unfortunately uninspiring between the sheets.

Not that there’s any excuse given the plethora of information available to you on your quest for sexual enlightenment. Buy a book, watch an instructional video, go to a workshop or get some good friends to tell you their top tips, (read; give you a blow-by-blow account of bedroom antics over a Latte. Please tell me I’m not the only one who does this).

You’re saving yourself for Megan Fox…

Or you’re just too damn picky.
Expectation is one thing, but just make sure that your goals are realistic.

There are little things you can compromise on; for example, she might be a dog person and you’ll just have to let that go.

Still single, and reading this, thinking honestly that you’re none of those things?
Well of course, there is always the possibility that…

Everybody else is an idiot…

 

She can walk in heels, but can still put up a mean shelf. London lesbian at large Ami writes about London, lesbians and being perpetually disillusioned. She also co-edits Reprobait Magazine, which is pretty good, even if she says so herself.