Sex Questions?

I’ve got a sex question: I love sex, but I just don’t like being the one doing the fucking.

Over the years this has been sometimes ok and sometimes vaguely not ok between myself and my lovers, but I have tried to keep them happy in a variety of other ways, sexually and domestically.

However, lately this has been a real struggle.
My most recent partner really wants to be fucked, and I love her, so I sometimes do it, but it’s really more for her than for me, and I know she is starting to feel resentful for the infrequency of my attention in this way.

Many people have told me over the years that I am selfish for this, and it’s clearly very unpopular to feel this way. I have grown to feel rather guilty for my particular disinterest.

I do want my partners to feel good, and it’s frustrating to feel that I get a bad rating just because I don’t like this one sexual act.

It’s become very difficult and my partner and I have been struggling over this – sex fights are the absolute worst.

What can I do?

Auntie GG replies:

Fucking sure does go in and out of style in the dyke communities – in the 70s we would have all been made to believe that penetration of any sort was a mark of heterosexuality, while anything less than a fist during the leather scenes in the 80s was amateur – all of which is to say, really, that fucking fads will come and go and the getting approval from the community about how you like to take it – or whether or not you like to give it – is rather a futile way to go about fucking, see?

Whether or not you like to fuck your lovers is not the important question; the important question is if you two actually want the same things while fucking?

So let me be the first to tell you, sweet pea:
It’s perfectly fine if you do not want to fuck your lovers – that is, of course, if you are with lovers who do not want to get fucked.

If you are with lovers who want to get fucked, and you do not want to fuck them, then it is certainly not ok between the two of you – and this will undoubtedly lead to all the wrong kinds of friction.

This includes: fighting over frequency of sex, fighting over sex acts and, of course, fighting to stay engaged with sex.

For example, this notion of doing a sexual act because you love someone, no matter how well intended, has in fact earned the nasty name of a ‘pity fuck’, and why not? It’s not really what you’d most like to be doing, after all!

Here, then, is the point:

While we could go on about selfish or not selfish, the truth is that each of these scenarios are actually about sexual compatibility – herein defined as two homosexuals who get off on many of the same acts, fantasies, positions, interior design – or, best yet, all of the above.

So, in light of sexual compatibility, whether or not you like to fuck your lovers is not the important question; the important question is if you two actually want the same things while fucking.

If you speak about these (sexual) needs, your partner has a chance at informed consent, rather than another chance to harbour resentment and sexual frustration.

That said, because swapping this dynamic will require that you either: a) suddenly develop a taste for something that you admittedly do not appreciate or b) perform a sexual act that you admittedly do not like performing, I actually recommend simply being up front about what you want in your sex life, and let yourself off the guilt.

You absolutely get to have sexual needs, and so do your partners – and if you speak about these needs, your partner has a chance at informed consent, rather than another chance to harbour resentment and sexual frustration.

Here’s to good and liberating communication and, of course, likeminded lovers.

Love always,

Auntie GG

Have something you’d like advice on?

Please select a valid form