Dating Misery

The past number of dates I’ve been on were absolute disasters.

I met these women at different social events and thought they seemed nice.

But one woman spent the whole night telling me all about her ex girlfriend, one woman kept checking her mobile all night and one woman didn’t ask me a single question all evening!
I know that sometimes it takes a while to find the right person, but I’m not even finding women that I want to have a second date with!

Worse yet, these women seem really unaware of their behaviour and how they come off. I have even had to dodge sloppy end of night kisses from two of them, after they barely seemed interested in the first place.

I look around and see most of my mates paired up with nice girls. They have dates and weekends together and romance and I’m starting to feel pretty discouraged and like I’ll never meet a nice girl to just be with.

Am I doing something wrong?

Is all of this behaviour supposed to be acceptable on dates?

Should I be more forgiving?
Auntie W replies:

I’ve got good news and bad news.

The good news: You’re doing the right thing in being discriminating based on manners. Manners are really about sensibility and having similar sensibilities are a key component of how long-term relationships work. And believe me, if you don’t like the way that she is behaving on the first date, you most likely won’t like the way she’s going to behave on the 20th date.

First dates are for finery, friend, and if being more interested in her ex, her mobile, or herself rather than you is her first date finery, forget her and go home to your cat, who at least has the good sense to give you a cuddle. In other words, puppet, being forgiving of horrid behaviour on a first date will only lead to being forgiving of horrid behaviour in a relationship.

And I always say: No rewards for bad behaviour.

If you don’t like the way that she is behaving on the first date, you most likely won’t like the way she’s going to behave on the 20th date.

The bad news: My dear, there is so much bad behaviour abound that I ought to run a girl’s reformatory. You are absolutely not the first girl to go aghast at her date’s performance.

There are some truly and profoundly poor manners being executed on dates.
So, to save ourselves (and each other!) from a world of dating hell, as well as to bolster your own sense of conviction, Dating Is Misery, I offer these guidelines:

1. Do not talk seriously talk about your ex until you’ve had at least three dates.

If you cannot help yourself, please, for the love of G-d, give all of us hard working dykes a break and take yourself off the market.

If you absolutely must mention your ex because of an explanation or context, you are allowed to say, “My ex and I” or “with my ex” no more than one time during the first three dates.

Dates are about getting to know one another – not about getting to know one another’s exes.

2. Leave your mobile at home.

Blasphemous, I know.

But in this world of minute-to-minute updates via call, text, and email, we allow virtually every moment to be interrupted.

If you must bring the phone, as I know you likely will insist, turn it off (or at least on silent) once you’ve met up with your date. Let her know that you at least intend to honour the time that you’ve agreed to spend together.
Dating is about paying attention to your date – not about paying attention to your mobile phone.

Being forgiving of horrid behaviour on a first date will only lead to being forgiving of horrid behaviour in a relationship. And I always say: No rewards for bad behaviour.

3. Be sure to ask her questions.

If you have a hard time cultivating easy dialogue, make a list of questions beforehand about things you’d like to know.

If she’s the right girl for you, she will appreciate this organised approach.

If you cannot think of any questions, you might ask yourself why you feel compelled to go on a date.

Finally, make sure that she is talking at least 40% of the evening. Dating is about finding out if you are interested in your date – not about explaining how interesting you are.

In closing, I offer the suggestion that you might give the online dating a whirl (try GaydarGirls.com), where, in addition to a fetching photograph, you can often tell a bit about the intellect and conversational style via the written word.

There will always be certain surprises in dating, but at least you stand somewhat of a chance of weeding out those ex-obsessed, mobile attached, self-interested ladies over the wires.

Just think: you can place an ad called Misery Loves Company.

And in time, you will find company whom you’ll love.

Love always,

Auntie W

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