My Girlfriend Is Afraid Of Dildos

Dear Auntie,

I met a great girl and we became girlfriends almost three months ago.
We do all sorts of stuff together and she’s loads of fun.

We’re both in our late twenties and tend to like the same music, people and fashion. The only trouble is that my girlfriend is afraid of dildos!

I thought maybe at first that she just didn’t want to use sex toys until she knew me better or something, but I recently found out it’s more serious than that – she doesn’t want to use dildos because she’s afraid it will take away her lesbian identity!

She says that she has never wanted to have sex with a man and so she doesn’t want anything ‘that shape’ in our sex life.

I like her a lot, but I also really fancy my sex toys!

How can I explain to her that using a dildo will not take away her lesbian identity and that it’s fun to try new things?

Auntie W replies:

Dearest Girl Who Wants a Dildo,

Well that’s a mouthful, isn’t it?
And perhaps this is your main issue:

You may just need to start on a smaller scale with your skittish girlfriend.

There are two main issues here, love.

Issue one is that your girlfriend is afraid that using a dildo will take away the validity of her lesbian identity.

Issue two is that she associates ‘that shape’ with men.

Given her feedback, it may be that your girlfriend is unaware that lesbians have been using homemade cocks since the beginning of time and that she is also truly afraid that her gay identity can be taken away from her if she embraces any object longer than it is wide.  In this case, I recommend a three-tiered lesbian sex education program.

Step One:

The Visual.
Get hold of some authentic and hot dyke porn that includes dildos and put it on.
(You can also check out a sexy dyke mag together and some written erotica that is dildo friendly.)

Talk about what you like, what looks and/or sounds good and what you might like to try.
If she’s going to make the leap from sceptical to suggestible, it sounds like she’ll need to understand (and see) that dykes do it with dildos – and that they’re still dykes afterwards.

Step Two:

The Physical.
If you want to get on top of this problem, you should consider getting under it.
Grab your favourite longer than wide mate, be it dildo, vibrator, or carrot and lie back, give her a grin and set a great example.

By showing her the kind of pleasure that you are offering, first hand, she may get excited (and more at ease) as you share your excitement.
At the very least, she’ll see that you are willing to be vulnerable and explore with her, and that there can be new things to discover.

Step Three:

The Shopping Trip.
Dildos come in every size, shape, and colour – along with a slew of other pleasure seeking toys.

Take your girlfriend on a date to Sh!, the sex shop that is run by and designed for women.

Give her the time to touch various toys, books and videos and encourage her to try new things. Who knows what will come home with you!

Lastly, proper etiquette demands that I offer the disclaimer that your new lady-friend may never be into using dildos – and she may not ever even want to try – and that, of course, it is a terribly rude to pressure her. That said, don’t give up just yet.

See where you end up, as there is plenty of encouragement to be had and plenty of mind-opening ideas to share.

After all, with enough time and enough lube, almost anything is possible.

Love always,

Your Auntie W

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  1. Rhiannon

    This may be a bit too much of an obvious comment, but have you chatted about the fact that a lot of dildos don’t have to look like willies. The only similarity between a dildo is that, as Auntie W said, they are longer than they are wide! In my experience, I always find that the best way to ‘encourage’ one’s girlfriend to experiment with a new toy is to buy something which is easily affordable so that in a way she doesn’t have much to lose.

    Show these to her so she can see that she can have something that looks very un-willy-like!

    Rhiannon x

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