Attracted To Men?

Dear Aunty,

I am a 19 year old lesbian and I have been a lesbian throughout my life.
When I was young I tried being a boy but it just didn’t compute to me, so I started to chase after girls.

I’ve been comfortable with my sexuality, up until two weeks ago.

My girlfriend and I were just watching TV and I saw one of the male actors.
The first thing that came to my mind was, “He looks nice“.

After saying that I was shocked about it.
I thought it was only a passing gesture but I started to think like that for all celeb men.
I started to become paranoid thinking my homosexuality was at danger and that I’m changing into a heterosexual.

To see if I do have feelings for men I sometimes think of them kissing me then having sex with me. As a result, I get grossed out and wave my arms frantically in air shouting, “Piss off!” etc.

Due to that I still believe that I’m still a lesbian, but I’m still wondering why I think about men now?

Then a thought came in my head thinking, “Oh my god, am I gonna change my orientation in the future?

I read somewhere that Sigmund Freud has developed this cycle: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I became obsessed with this cycle as I think I am going through this.

I am afraid of losing my homosexuality and my lovely girlfriend.
Before I met her I was in pieces as I had just come out of a very abusive relationship with my ex-girlfriend.

She pulled me out from hell and put me back together.
I love her so much and I can really see us going the distance.
I really don’t want to lose her over this.

I told some of my mates about this and most of them said that I am just paranoid.
Maybe they are right because I remember also describing to my lesbian mate the girls from the burlesque night, saying that she should have seen their hips etc.

Please tell me I am not turning straight.
I really don’t want to lose my identity, nor my girlfriend.

Auntie W Replies:

Dearest Paranoid Lass,

Oh dear, don’t panic!
Before you decide that you are secretly a straight girl, let’s put the Freud on hold for a moment to review some Kinsey.

Kinsey, if you’ll recall, created a scale from 0 to 6 describing human sexuality, 0 meaning exclusively heterosexual, 6 meaning exclusively homosexual, and 1-5 meaning that there is a whole range of sexual episodes, inclinations and activities to be had ad enjoyed between the two outermost points.

All of which is to say: it is entirely possible to find yourself attracted to celebs of any sex (or anyone else, for that matter,) and still be a lesbian.

Or a lesbian with bisexual tendencies.
Or a lesbian with bisexual tendencies who only likes sleeping with x, y, or z people.

The important concept here is not the sex of the celeb you like, but rather to acknowledge an entire range that makes up the spectrum of attraction.

However, we ought to consider this issue of repression!

Whether or not you would actually like locking lips or other bits with some bloke, I can assure you (and Freud would agree,) that repressing any desire is the absolutely sure-fire way to make it flare up. Or, as Morrissey sings,

“The more you ignore me, the closer I get.”

And so, perhaps you are a dyke who occasionally likes watching male celebs, or perhaps you are a dyke who will end up with a bisexual streak, or perhaps you are just a dyke who can see attractiveness in many forms – but no one can take your queer identity from you, no matter who does what to whom, or in what position.

That, dear one, is for you to decide. So there is really only one question left, young lass:

What do you want?

You’ll need to figure out what you actually want to do about this new to you attraction, and you’ll also need to talk to your girlfriend.

Whether or not this new attraction is a passing fancy, it doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship – perhaps you just need to say it aloud so that it doesn’t grow larger than it is, or perhaps your lover is also sometimes curious about men, either in fantasy or in reality, and the whole thing could lead to a great share.

Either way, the communication piece is important; being honest with your girlfriend is important and being forthright about your process will get you talking and thinking, instead of just panicking.

The point is that sometimes an attraction to a celeb is just an attraction to a celeb, and sometimes it’s more. But taking things one slow step at a time and giving yourself the room to explore a little will be helpful in the long run, both for yourself and within the context of your relationship.

In the meantime, keep on shaking that Magic 8 ball and if you can get a handle on the difference between the side to side and the up and down, I promise you’ll be a mad success in all of your endeavours.

It is decidedly so.

Love always,

Your Auntie W

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  1. ju

    I still believe that the whole process shouldnt end in the homosexual label. Its still a long way for her to choose what she wants and that should discourage her. I have a close friend who has been a lesbian for 50 years, 3 years ago she found an old classmate (man) and felt in love with him and ended up marring him. She never lied to herself, the period before that she was 100% a lesbo but something changed and i’m really happy for her. She’s happy, she will always support the gay community and havent changed a bit for this matter.
    Remember that the label u are carrying is your own. Explore, love and be truth to yourself. And good luck in your search

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