Agony Anne: I Fancy The Wrong Girl

Dear Agony Anne,

I work for a really tight-knit media company where there’s a no inter-colleague dating policy. I love my job and I’ve had it for a few years, but recently a new girl started. We clocked other’s gaydar and I instantly detected chemistry. We both take any opportunity to work on projects together, and I just know there’s something there. I really want to act on it, but company policy says I shouldn’t. I really like this girl, I also really like my job. What should I do?

A. Nonymous

Agony Anne’s Reply:

Dear Ms. Nonymous,

I understand your dilemma. There is no easy way to answer this, no right or wrong. It’s completely up to you and you need to step back and ask yourself a lot of questions.

About the girl. It’s hard to tell from your letter how you really feel about her. You focus on the fact you steal moments together. Is it just closeness or do you see it developing into more? You cannot be hasty and jump into something that could put your career at risk, when you haven’t known the girl long enough. How well do you really know her?

Now the career part. Is there no way it can work with your career? Do you work in the same department, or do you work separately enough that it may not be an issue? In an ideal world there would be a manager you could talk to (without admitting to anything) about the details of the policy they have. It’s the 21st century, things like these happen all the time, sometimes these policies exist but aren’t particularly enforced. Is there anyone you can talk to?

You shouldn’t have to feel guilty or paranoid about the people you fall for. Relationships are natural and nothing is more human. How would you feel if it came to an end? I think if you step back enough the answer should become clear. No matter how many questions I suggest you ask yourself, it all comes down to the one big one: what is priority love or career?

I hope this helps, whatever you do, embrace your decision, and don’t look back.
Agony Anne

P.S. When I asked how you would feel if it came to an end, did you think about the ending of your job or relationship first? That’s a big tell.

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Anne Loveday is a film student who is obsessed with questioning what culture teaches and tells us, particularly about the concept of normality.
In short, a film-loving, open-water-swimming, culture-obsessed, music addict.



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  1. Lin

    I feel for you A. Nonymous. I’m in a similar situation. I’m becoming fonder of my manager!!. She was in a Civil Partnership until 2 months ago. (Her ex partner moved out. Think she – her ex – has met someone else. She has a high profile job). I admit that when my manager – A – was with her partner, A and I did flirt with each other but it didn’t lead to anything. It was just abit of fun. When I found out that A’s ex had moved out of their home I sent A an email saying that I’m always here for her and her daughter as a friend. (Her daughter is 14). Since I sent A the email she has told me a few things. When we are in the office we have abit of a banter and yes, we flirt with each other. Last week I caught A looking over at me. Gave A smile. She smiled back. But, I know that A is still hurting. She will be hurting for some time. That’s why I’m holding back from telling her how I feel as this isn’t the right time to tell her my feelings for her. I know that she likes me a great deal – I wonder if she wonders how I feel about her?. So, at the moment I will continue to be A’s friend. Whether, in say, 6 months from now it will lead to anything, I don’t know. But…..who knows…. L

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