The Ex Problem…

Oh my God, my ex is everywhere! I definitely need your help.

My ex and I were together for six months and it’s been two months since the break-up.
For the first month I mostly sat around the house and ate ice cream with the telly on feeling sorry for myself.

Now all my friends have been urging me to go out with them, and, finally, I am.
And my ex is positively everywhere!

Everywhere I go.

When I go to the bar, she is there. When I go out to the club, there she is.
I see her everywhere, and she is apparently having a great time. She’s always out laughing and carrying on and I feel like I am one Smiths song away from blubbering.

How can she be so happy and cute every time I see her, and why is she absolutely everywhere I go? I wish I didn’t have to see her at every gay function that I attend, and I wish it didn’t affect me. Am I supposed to talk to her?

When we started dating, it was so easy and fun and convenient, and nothing was too serious. Now I feel miserable when I see her, and it makes me not want to go out, and I wish she would just stay home once in a while.

So what can I do?

Auntie W replies:

You tell the tale of a thousand lesbians at the bottom of the sea. We might as well face it now: There is no escape from our exes.

It’s true.
They are everywhere.
And as we age, particularly if we are not coupled up, they just keep on multiplying.

The PMS packed truth is that once we’ve broken up with our first gal pal, there is no pot-luck bar, rugby field, SM Dungeon or KD Lang concert that will ever again be safe from spotting (or hiding from) at least one former partner, fling, bad blind date, or the current’s ex.

And this fact ought to have been printed in the Lesbian Sex Manual, right there with a note about the importance of playing nice.

I realise, however, that the Goddess failed to print this information, so let’s get on with it here and tackle this ex problem.

First off, there is the golden timetable rule, which says one of two things, depending on your personal beliefs:

a.) You will get over your ex in half the time you were together, or b.) You will get over your ex in twice the time you were together.

For now, let’s simply assume that you will get over your ex, and not dally about with the timing.
That said, we’ll figure that it will be another month to seven before you stop getting this little pangs in your heart (and perhaps elsewhere) when you see her.

And while we can hope that she won’t keep going to everything, here are some things you can do to better deal with those pangs when you do run into one another:

1. Say hello, or simply acknowledge her with a nod or a wave when your eyes meet.

This simple gesture tends to neutralize the feelings of awkwardness, which will in fact lesson over time, as well. (Alright, the exception to saying hello is if your ex has no boundaries and insists on processing with you in public. In this case you may consider ignoring her a somewhat good solution.)

2. Do make sure that those friends are by your side.

Let them know that you have a tough time with seeing the ex everywhere and that you could use a little extra TLC while you’re out.
This could be going to the bathroom in pairs, making sure you have a ride home at the end of the night, or having a set Processing Pal for the morning after.

3. Depending on your post-break-up relationship with the ex, you can in fact consider the honest approach and let her know that you still struggle with seeing her.
Perhaps she would be willing to trade off some events with you, so that you can occasionally go out without worrying about The Run-In. (Yes, this takes an elevated level of trust and communication.)

4. Occasionally, find a non-gay event to attend.

The lesbian world is indeed a fishbowl, but it is also true that there is a whole other world out there where you actually will not run into your ex.
Check local bookstores for favourite authors, go to the movies in a different part of town, try a new liberal bar that’s not just for the gays, find a new DJ who spins at different clubs.

No matter what your preferred method of going out, there will be places where you can actually actively avoid the exes.

Most importantly, just remember:

Heaven knows you’re miserable now, SITF, but that won’t last forever.

Take good care of yourself, and pretty soon you’ll be on your way.

Love always,

Auntie W

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