Better Sex Life?
I’ve been with my partner for about eight years now – since we were very young – and we still get on well.
We have both grown up and ‘made it’ together as a couple.
We live together and were able to buy our home, plus we own a small business together, too. These parts all work.
My partner is kind and funny and loving and she would do anything for me.
In all of these ways, I am one of the lucky ones.
But we did get together when we were very young and the sex has never been the best for me.
The problem isn’t her, though, I think the problem is me!
In the same way that I know she would do anything for me, I know she would do whatever I ask of her, sexually, and has been interested in connecting more over the years, but I am quick to brush her off, or just have it off quickly, and hurry back to the rest of our lives.
I find that I don’t really feel like teaching her, even though I know that she would like to try new things, be open to new experiments, toys and positions.
I feel kind of closed off, even as I feel bored with our sex life, too.
I feel badly but am not sure how to start being different in the bedroom. I think, though, that our relationship would be improved and more enjoyable if our sex life were a bit better.
Auntie W replies:
The first step to being different in the bedroom is to start thinking of the bedroom differently.
In any relationship – and particularly in a long-term relationship – the bedroom itself can become as entrenched into patterns as the rest of the relationship and it sounds like your bedroom has come to stand for the pattern of ‘Great Relationship, Boring Sex Life.’
And, in this way, it sounds to me like you are thinking about (and experiencing) your relationship in different parts – the home life, and the work-life, and the willingness to extend care in different parts of each – and then there is the bedroom.
So, in your case, I want you to start thinking of the bedroom as connected to the rest of the house – a central part that helps with the health of every other room. In other words, muffin, I want you to start thinking holistically about your bedroom and about this great, enduring relationship of yours.
Additionally, sweetness, between dating, growing up together, then living, home owning, working and business-owning together, it does sound as if the two of you have some potential enmeshment happening, which often does not lead to feeling so adventurous, sexually, because there is literally no daily distance between you and your love-mate.
An easy ways to quick-start the lesbian libido amidst issues of enmeshment in the daily life is to make sure that you make some time for yourself outside the relationship – this could be anything from carving out a half hour a day to write, read, dance, walk or even to fondle your own bits, anything to put you in touch with who you are as a person in addition to who you are as a person in a relationship – so that you have something to bring back to the relationship that is yours, and not just ‘ours’.
The sharing of one another’s intimacies, rather than creating just one intimacy, is often the initial pull of a relationship, the continuation of which, indeed, will keep the spark going.
Lastly, it does of course all come down to what you want – and if you want to be more connected in bed, you do have to be willing to connect, which means offering up yourself.
You do have to offer yourself up to your lover and to those new positions – and those new sex toys – and stay present for the ride.
And yes, that is harder, in fact, sometimes, than just going along with the already established theme of life, because it includes a great deal of vulnerability, it’s true.
But give yourself the permission to be anew with your loving girlfriend.
Take the risk and swing from those rafters that you’you’ve already invested in – after all, they’re yours.
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