What Does She Want?

Dear Auntie,

I started dating this girl last year while I was still mixed up with my ex.

While I was with the new girl I cheated a little bit with my ex, and she found out.

When the whole sordid ordeal came out, the new girl was really upset. Her finding out definitely had the effect of cooling things with my ex, but also really cooled the new relationship, and I know I made a big mistake.

After everything, the new girl says she wants her space and we haven’t really been seeing each other.

She says she wants time apart so that we can be together again, and I have given her the space, but we have been ‘on break’ for six weeks and I haven’t heard much from her.

I can’t tell what she wants.
I know I was wrong and have apologised, but I don’t know what’s next.

Other girls have been asking me out.
I don’t want to just wait around for her and have gone on some dates in the meantime.

I don’t know if she’s dating, or when she wants to try again.
I am interested in giving things another shot, but if she wanted to really get back together, wouldn’t she be calling and wanting to see me?

Auntie GG replies:

Did you read those choose your own ending books when you were little?

The idea is that you read along in the story, and, as you go on, you make decisions:

To go towards the magic castle, skip to page 234; to head into the mystical caves, skip to page 173, so on and so forth.

The lesson learned, of course, is that the act of choosing your own adventure usually has two predictable, alternate outcomes: Either you wind up with a beautiful fairy tale ending, or you wind up with a significant mess.

In your case,  the challenge will now be found in taking this mixed up mess and turning it into a grand mash-up.

Are you ready?

In the first part of your query you address this fooling around with an ex; are you done, now?
Be honest with your auntie.

If yes, skip to bullet point two; if no, proceed with bullet point one.

No…

  • If you are not done with your ex, finish up with her.

    Whether that means going another round or taking the distance that is truly required to disengage, go at it one hundred percent until you are truly done with the adventure-drama of the ex girlfriend.

    Do it (or It) as many times as you need until you are either breathless and satisfied or disengaged and satisfied, but do not bring in any further parties until you are truly done. It’s considered very rude, fairly dishonest and quite selfish.

Yes…

  • If you are done with your ex, consider what you would now like for your future.

    Do you want time to casually romp?
    Would you like to be in a new relationship?
    Do you need time alone?

    Consider these questions anew, and think about what you might want to learn, try, explore, and heal over the next six months.

    Remember, being conscious is the first step in realising where you’re mixed up, and what you’d like to do to recover.

In the second part of your query, you write about the new girl, and confess that you do not know what she wants. I don’t know either, but here is the more important part:

If you would like to get back together with the new girl, call her and let her know.
Tell her that you want to try again, and tell her that you are willing to give her time, and whatever else it takes so that she can trust you again.

And if you are going to get back together, make a plan.

  • What are the rules until you reunite?
  • What are the expectations and agreements?
  • How often will you have contact?

Remember, playing fast and loose in an already messy situation will just lead to more mess, and cleaning up requires clarity.

Finally, bunny, don’t torture yourself about what someone else may or may not want – choosing your own adventure is truly the first step; the friends you find along the way come later.

Your Auntie GG

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